dia indian ke apa???...

u tau nana...kawan u perempuan katik nama E tuhhh...send me Happy Deepavali wish malam raya hindu tuhh!!....

kalau nak hina i sekali pun tak payah lah macam tuhh...i bukan keling macam dia nak celebrate raya hindu tuhh...meluattttt giler i tengok sms dia...ada hati nak sms...setakat nak sakitkan hati tak payah lah...tengok perangai pun dah sama macam kelllllll!!!....i tak reply pun sms dia...such a waste of time layan orang macam tuh...

why nak sms i pun i tak taulah....maybe lonely lah kot dah tak ada orang nak kawan and dengar auta dia agaknyer....

i swear n never ever to get involved lagi dengan perempuan perangai macam ular lidah bercabang2 nih....get out of my life...i tak rugi apa pun coz i tak buat salah apa...im being manipulated by that bitch selama nih nak cover up apa dia buat...what a fool kannn....

ermmm kawan u kan nana semua tuh...they all seems to be alright kat mata u...and i just a shit to uu...takpe nana..semua dah berlalu...biar Allah ajer yang buat judgement...

i nak buat hal i...selagi ada nafas n nyawa Allah bagi ni...biarlah i cari keredhaan dari Dia...tak guna i layan perempuan macam tu lagi...

no words to describe....

dear nana....

im writing this for you today..just for you...

there's no words to described when my mom ask me "how is ad doing???"...macam konkrit hempukkkk kepala i tetiba lah dat question keluar.... :P

well, i only reply "he's doing great n happy i guess mama, i dont even know anything bout him anymore now" and my mom gave me that (?)punya look...what now mama??? betul i tak tau mana dia, how is he doing..i dont want to know...if he can do macam tu, so do i sekarang nih...not in my diary lagi dah...well nana, it hurts me to said those kinda words actually...but that is the fact..we never meant to be with each other kannn....

Allah tu sempurna untuk bagi kita takdir...rela n redha kan ajer...ada lah benda lagi baik buat kita lepas ni...hmmm entahlah nana....dah lama fikiran n perasaan i tak terganggu dengan keadaan kita ni...hari ni bagaikan tersentap jiwa i sekali lagi...bila mama tanya bout u....cuma jawapan yang jujur dan ikhlas dari hati ni yang dapat i bagi pada mama....i tak harap apa-apa nana...its all over...but bohonglah kalau sikit pun hati ni tak terusik bila berkaitan dengan u nana...

and again i broke my tears this evening just for you nana....dah lama i tak macam ni...seriously dah setahun lebih tak keluar airmata semata untuk u...and those memories came back one by one stepping into my vision sekarang....and im fighthing to losing it now...i dont want to get cracked again n again...hmmmm...

i miss u nana...that is all i can tell right now...

...sumpah sedappp giLer!!!

heee tak dapat upload gambar kek karot pujaan hati yang buat sendiri tadi...memang terbaik dari ladang lahhh!!...di jamin suci, bersih dan halal...ehehehe...puas hati buat sendiri...

teringin sangat nak makan dah 2minggu nih...so i mengoogle lah cari resepi the best carrot cake in web site lah kan...n thank you so much sapa yang bagi resepi tuh...sedapp!! semoga Allah murahkan rezeki anda lagi...terima kasih banyak-banyak...i fell in love with that cake!! nana if u were here...i want to share it with u...how happy i am today dapat buat kek nih!!...ermmmm kannnn....

eh lupa rupanya dah lama tak jengah pokokrhu i nih...sib idup lagik!!...macam tuan dia jugek lah...on n off cari oksigen...that is life i called it nowdays...

apapun im happy with my new chapter of life now...being around with people who understand me..thank u guys!!!....semoga Allah merahmati anda semua selalu....terbaikk!!!

HORREYYYY DAH DAPAT UPLOAD GAMBAR (17/10/2011)

Ku Mahu Kau Tahu....

ermmm....i suka lagu nih...why i like eih???

hurmmm...why...

becoz this is the first song i sang to you nana...remember??hehehe...owh!! i suka lagu ni pun before i meet up with u again after long lost years...one of my favorite song from Hujan...simple, short, n full of meaning to me...so without doubt i sing it for you that day.. :))

sedap ke tak suara i...tak kisahlah nana...janji i puas hati dapat sing for you...bukan senang i nak sing secara live ok and instantly...takper..as long as im happy to sing for you that is good enuff for both of us during that time...hmmm i miss those days with you nana....opss!! its okay, im alright now...no heart feelings anymore with you nana...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Di sudut termenung jauh
Mengenangkan nasib kita
Kita miliki separuh
Berbentuk hati cinta namanya

Walau kau jauh
Ku sentiasa menunggumu
Inginku imbas kembali memori

Walau kau jauh
Ku berjanji kan terus tunggu
Dipisah lautan biru

Ku mahu kau tahu
Aku kan terus menunggu

Jaga benar gambarku dalam telefon bimbitmu
Jangan pernah sekali kau buang
Seperti cinta ini yang terbuku
Akan bersemi jua

Terus menunggu
Kita kan bersatu
Terus menunggu
Ku mahu kau tahu..."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Nahhhh...dah nyanyik full for u here...I miss you a lot... :'(

Dah nak Raya tak lama lagi nana...

hmmmm Selamat Menyambut Aidil Fitri nana, maaf segala kesilapan, kekhilafan, kekurangan dari segalanya from me nana...kita hanya manusia yang tidak pernah lari dari melakukan kesilapan, dan kita bukan malaikat untuk menilai kebaikan dan kekurangan orang lain nana...Maaf Zahir dan Batin, semoga bergembira dengan insan-insan tersayang nana....

Ramadhan datang lagi.....

Hurmmm dah masuk 9Ramadhan hari ni...alhamdulillah aku masih dapat menikmati Ramadhan untuk sekali lagi dalam hidup ini....

Setiap kali muncul ramadhan mulia ini, hatiku bagaikan di toreh untuk mengingati nana..

hmmm entahlah nana, teringat ramadhan 2 tahun lepas when i was with uuu...i had a beautiful and happy times with u during those ramadhan days...

Teringat how u like so much kuih pulut sekaya tuh...hihihi...alahai nana those memories i cannot beared to hold inside me alone for these years...i dont know bout u for now, is the feelings still there??the memories of us during ramadhan that year still sparkling in your mind nana??? nahhh, its okay nana..tak ingat pun takper...u still have me to remember that for you...in case u forgotten, im here to speak for you...my blog of stories of u and me here...u can recall it anytime u want...(macam ler dia tau ada nih kannnnn)...

Not only you nana i teringat ramadhan kali ni...my fren zizi pun i teringat sangat-sangat...such a wonderful person he is...lucky siapa dapat dia...i missed him a lot...dont worry nana, dia bukan istimewa macam u dalam hati i...but he is special in other way to me...this song in this blog zizi pernah dedicate to me...i know what feelings he is building inside him to me...but nothing compares to you nana...and zizi understood well my word bout feelings...but till now he still around me for 6years...im surprised for that number with him...why cant we be like that nana???...why things have to so complicated with you??...

Anyway nana, wish you selamat berpuasa with your loveable family there...hope this ramadhan is more meaningful to you...

Alhamdulillah Syukur kepada Illahi, aku dapat kembali lagi menarikan jari di sini...agak lama aku tak berpenakan jari disini...

Segala kekuatan aku ada sekarang ini telah dapat mengubat sedikit demi sedikit kesakitan yang aku alami..alhamdullillah...berapa bulan ini aku tetap berusaha ke sana sini untuk berubat..malah sekarang baru aku nampak kesan positifnya...aku mampu tersenyum kembali sedikit sekarang ini..banyak perubahan aku alami sekarang ini...kekuatan dari segi mental dan fizikal aku kembali pulih..terutamanya hati aku yang terlampau dalam luka suatu ketika dahulu...

Allah itu Maha Pengasih kepada hamba2nya...setiap bait doa hambaNya dia mendengar...terima kasih ya Allah..aku kini dapat kecapi kehidupan aku kembali setalah aku jatuh dengan keadaan yang bukan datang dari kehendak aku sendiri suatu ketika dahulu...

Aku juga berterima kasih atas sokongan kawan-kawan yang begitu memahami keadaan aku ketika ini dan dahulu..thank you guys for caring so much about me...may Allah bless you all with happiness and kindness forever...

Haaa...satu lagi...aku dah boleh lupa Nana...huahuahuahua....(is it???) YESSS!!! of course lahhh dah lupa...now i realised not a worth for having him in my heart for the entire life until now...bodoh ker???ehehehe sendiri mau ingat lah...sekarang baru terbuka minda that how silly i am those days kan kan kan....takpe lah the past is past, i dont want to turn back anymore...between love and hate...that is all about...hope he happy with his own life wherever he is right now...not my concern to think about it anymore...tak macam dulu2...sentiasa ada DIAAAA....huahuau...

Am i that kejam sekarang???entahlah...dah tak ada feeling2 sonata lagik...cewahhh....yes, tell u the truth KBS world tuhh banyak help me out to forget u nana...seriously i like it that way...why??? ermmm...coz i rasa banyak lagik hero-hero handsome dari u kot...hahah...ermmmm tak ada lah...just that i felt i can forget u and what happened between u n me already...well, it takes time to heal...2tahun tuhhh....takper as long as i can move on like now, im happy enough...


Arggghhh!! tulis jer apa nak tulis kan...you wouldnt know im here...

Nana, one thing for sure is you always be my first love...always...tak kira macam mana i lupa ker, nyanyuk ke one day, but this love i cannot forget for the rest of my life...you are the best thing that ever happened to me since my day 1 i met u in school...that is for sure...no doubt...

Nana, i have great news to tell u, my cancer cells dah stop activating...i can breathe easily now, there is no worries in me macam dulu lagik...well, bagaikan nyawa di hujung tanduk at one time...God knows how that feeling is...ermmm...kalau cakap u pun, u takkan nak tahu right??..owhhh whatever nana...im still telling you...takper lah you can deceived me like this as you like...i cant stop it...hope one fine day you will open your mind and realised it...

For the last time ever i want to say that " I miss you a lot nana, and I Love you so much".....saranghae

al-fatihah buat kak long...

...setiap yang hidup pasti akan mati..cuma masa dan keadaan sahaja berbeza antara kita mengadap sakratull maut...tidak ada pengecualian, tidak ada penagguhan walau sesaat bila ajal kita tiba...

hari ini aku terima dari mama berita kak long (jiran di bukit damansara) meninggal dunia awal pagi tadi, di kala orang semua sibuk hendak mengurus rutin harian ke pejabat, ke sekolah...kak long meninggal dalam lena dia...alhamdulillah...

kak long, we grew up together di bukit damansara...hmmm tadi tengahari aku menziarah arwah di rumah aunty..terpandang aku ke rumah lama aku dan keluarga...begitu nostalgia...di situlah aku membersar dengan kak long dan adik2nya...terlihat aku pohon ceri tua di dpan rumah kak long, teringat aku dan kak long, serta adiknya bermain masak2..hehehe lucu sekali tika itu..maklum lah semua ala2 bodoh...hehehe...main perang2 bersama arwah abang aku..

dengan aunty ibu kak long lah, tempat pitstop aku masa kecil2 bila mama n abah keluar bekerja..sesungguhnya perhubungan keluarga aku dan keluarga kak long seperti saudara dekat..

tadi di rumah arwah, terpandang aku suami kak long..abg mie...hmmm masih tegap dan gagah walaupun ada kala ku lihat dia menyeka airmata nya...manakan tidak teman sehidup selama 3dekad bersama pergi buat selama-lamanya...penuh staff celcom pulak kat situ...abg mie staff situ pun...tengok vehicle color biru berbaloi2 pun ada..hmmmm...what will happen to abg mie after this??? anak kak long dan abg mie is in egyt, the only daughter and child...tetiba hati tersentuh teringat anak kak long tak dapat bersama2 untuk melihat sekujur tubuh mamanya buat kali terakhir...semoga fiqah mendoakan mama sentiasa dan jadi anak yang soleh untuk mama dan papanya....

aku melihat jenazah kak long sebelum di mandikan...ternyata seperti orang yang lena tidak ingin di kacau sampai bila2...manis aku lihat wajah kak long...semoga Allah merahmati dan mencucuri Rahmat dan di golongkan di tempat2 orang yang solleh buat kak long...semestinya aku merindui lagi saat2 aku dan kak long....al fatihah...

nana...

everytime bila i balik to my parents house, for sure my mom would ask about you...too hard for me to lie to her that im okay...well, she knows how much my love for you all these while...words that i can only said to her is "im sure his happy now mom...whatelse can i expect"...and she can only comfort me with "sabar..at least u meet him already"...ohh mama, how i wish that meeting never end...i have to end and put the full stop coz my illness is bad, and i dont want him to live in sadness thinking of it...would anyone care to see the one they love like that??? i dont think so...or some of them have the heart to do so...but not me..

hope u are happy nana...my wish for u...though there are times i cried loud for letting go the misery of you and me...that does not made me a happy person jugakkk...but at least i cried out everything for love burden selama ni nana...n yet i can write it out here for you to know (welll i dont think you know bout this blog) huhuhuh...ohhh what the heckkk....i feel much comfortable here nana jotting all what i have to said...

its like fading away nana...i can feel it...i dont know why....maybe the things that i have gone thru without u made me realised what is true love about when one doesnt commited to understand and to know what the other party living with...its too bad nana, and im a bit frustrated with you when u can easily made your assumption with others regarding me...i dont blamed you, but im here to ask directly nana, why from others...do you know how bad i am for the last one year nana??...dont you know i've already know how "death" is, and i felt it...do you know thousand miles i went to healed my illness???do you know how terrible i am struggling coz of the pain nana??DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU????...nahhhh, i dont think you want to know, that is why u remain silent till now....

whatelse can i say nana, its in your hand...God is great with his gift and sometimes suprises that we dont expect it in life....masyaAllah....

semalam aku bermimpi jumpa nana...ermmmmm

tak best lah...mungkin hati aku dah lama tak ingat kat dia pun...dah 'jauh'...tak ada pun nak teringat kat dia semalam or sebelum2 tuh...nak tido pun tak la ingat...cemana leh masuk dalam mimpi ehh...agaknya dia kot ingat kat aku...(perasan!!) hahaha...ahhh whatever!! thing is im not thinking of him lately nih...sejak sakit bertambah kronik...but why dia ada dalam mimpi...ohhh whatever again!!

entah lah nana, perasaan macam dulu dah tak ada...but i know deep inside still u that i love...hmmm like i said, maybe my pain is more right now so i dont have the heart to remembering you like always...im so sorry nana...but rest assured you have all my love, that is important...well, time has changed, like u said people changed..so i hope now im changing kot...ohhh please not now...

well nana, its hard for me not having u around me during this time of life that i would not know the end of my journey...i hope that Allah heard my prayers for you always n for both or us...

je taime nana!!....

rindu pulak nak berblogging lagi...keadaan tak mengizinkan lagi buat arakian kali...

dapat jugak hari ni berblogging sendirian tanpa gangguan, kesakitan...amannn....

ermm sudah hampir penghujung April..Mei akan muncul...cepat masa berlalu, terasa masih baru lagi kedatangan 2011..rupanya hampir 5bulan berlalu...dan aku, ermmm alhamdulillah pasang surut dalam kesakitan...sejak berapa minggu nih, terasa sihat dari biasa...mungkin segala jenis ubat aku telan sampai tak tahu mana yang really works with my internal body, anyway im feeling much better lah...

aku boleh bangun pergi jalan2 cuti, boleh driving, boleh masak2 yang sekian lama aku tinggalkan..aku boleh buat all the cakes that i wanted to do since bed ridden aritu...ternyata ada positive sides improve a bit...syukur...n terima kasih kepada sahabat aku seorang itu yang memberi ubat alternative untuk cell cancer ni...semoga Allah sahaja dapat membalas segala budi dia yang ikhlas dan jujur itu...terima kasih sis lola!!...i love you...

tak semua sahabat itu sahabat sejati...ada yang boleh menangis bersama kala susah dan ada yang jadi silent killer that we would not know and expect...its true..and itulah fitrah manusia kat dalam dunia ni...jangan mudah percaya pada sahabat, walau lama mana pun kita kenal...tak semestinya yang kita kenal lama itu sahabat sejati selamanya...hanya seorang dalam kumpulan sahabat aku ni saja yang aku tak akan maafkan dunia/akhirat...segala perbuatan dia dibelakang aku selama ni amat keji dari pandangan aku...serik aku rasa bila ketemu orang macam ni...hmmm dugaan Allah nak beri, kena redha...tapi dalam keredhaan itu hati aku amat sakit bila teringat...tak akan dapat aku lupa...such a beast n bitch!!...haa perfect word to call...hope one day Allah bukakan hati dia ke jalan yang benar...itu saja...

aku pernah alami rasa putus asa kala hidup diambang gelora maut..tapi percaya pada kuasa Allah..dia Maha Mengetahui segalanya...dariNya ia datang dan dariNya kita pinta...sesungguhnya Dia tidak pernah menghampakan doa dan permintaan hambaNya...cuma lambat atau cepat...dan kesabaran juga menjadi kekuatan aku selama ini...dugaan begitu hebat...tak pernah jemu aku meminta padaNya malam dan siang...Allah sentiasa sayangkan hambaNya....dan kita sebagai hambaNya harus sayang dan cinta pada Dia....dengan penuh kasih dan sayang....

ada masa angin rindu itu menggamit jiwa ini tanpa henti...

puas aku cuba lari dari kerinduan itu, namun aku gagal...

hakikatnya dia masih utuh didalam hati ini...

puas aku layangkan bayangan dirinya jauh dari dalam sudut hati ini, tapi aku tewas sekali lagi....

wajahnya, senyumannya, pandangan matanya dan namanya sentiasa terukir mati didalam lubuk kasih cinta selama ini bertakhta didalam hati dan jiwa..

aku manusia biasa yang tidak sempuna dari segalanya, namun aku jujur dengan cinta aku yang satu dan selamanya ini...

seandainya kau mendengar dan mengerti hatiku ini,

gamitlah rinduku ini buatmu kekasih......

"And if Allah touches you with hurt, there is none who can remove it but He; and if He intends any good for you, there is none who can keep back His favour; He brings it to whom He pleases of His servants; And He is the Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful"[Quran, Surah Yunus; 10:107]

haaaa dah April punnn....

terima kasih ya Allah bagi lagi kesempatan untuk aku merakam detik2 kehidupan ini lagi..syukur kepadaMu..

what to story eih???..lotsa stories ada...hmmm where to begin...haiyaaa...no need to begin, just type it jer what u think u want to story...dammnnnn!! :))

life is always a blessed to me for what i have all these while...never complaint n regrets..but as human sometimes those feelings with question WHY is haunted me...i know God is giving the best to me..n never question it anymore...

my cancer is actively running around inside my body...sometimes i feel so weak and helpless..recently kakak angkat me gave me this tibicos mushroom to try...goshhhh!!! it taste awful..more to wain taste n smell...yucksss...eh tapi takper..consider it as treatment lahh...kalau nak benda sedap jer masuk tekak tu bukan ubat, tu penyakit nama nyerrrr...muehheheheehe...

well no harm to try, as long tak memudaratkan keadaan lagi sudah la..n i've done research bout it.. so far positive feedback lah for those yang dah try...semangat nih nak cuba....(ermmm how long it would last for me) hehehehe...kadang2 time rasa fedappp pun ada...ye la kan mana ada ubat otometik terus baik...it takes time to cure or to prevent...semoga Allah memberi kekuatan dalam hati ni dan kesabaran lagi...

its already March....

alhamdullillah syukur pada Allah SWT...beri lagi nikmat untuk meneruskan kehidupan lagi...mmmmm

dua bulan ni sakit tak tahu lah nak cakap cemana...jatuh bangun dalam sakit, sekejap stabil, sekejap tidak...dah tak tertanggung rasanyer...merata pergi cari ubat..masih belum putus asa dalam hati ni...kadang2 jiwa nih macam gagal pun ada jugak, tapi hati nekad usaha jugak...

haishhh nana...andainyer kau tahu betapa payah aku meniti kehidupan aku untuk mencari yang terbaik untuk kehidupan aku arini barulah terbuka minda kau melihat apa yang aku alami ini...

hmmm nana...i almost forgotten about u nowdays lahh...maybe my illness take charged over my entire life now...most of my time drowning with my illness n pain only...takde masa nak fikir yang terbaik, terindah lagi...haah nana, i lupa u dahh...kejam kan???...mmm tak sekejam diri u lagi ni...zahir i ajer yang lupa u sekarang, tapi batin i sentiasa ingat u..cuma lari fokus jer sekarang...sakit nana, im so sick...

dua minggu ni terlantar, tak boleh jalan nana...entah kenapa kaki ni sakit...solat pun duduk ajer...terasa mcm dah penhujung jalan...berpapah nana bila nak pegi memana dalam rumah ni...tak keluar rumah pun, apatah lagi nak drive kereta...kalau ini la u kata im playing fool with it lagi...entahlah nana, pemikiran apa yang u ada dalam minda u yang sungguh brilliant itu...time sakit ni la i rasa geram sangat dengan u n others of your fren yang u agung2kan sangat tu...hmmm, baru ni i pegi berubat jugak datang sorang aunty nih cakap "u nampak mcm tak sakit, tapi u sakit teruk rupanya, makcik suka tengok u boleh control n hide your sickness"...wawawawa makcikkkkk!!!!!!!!!!!....u dont know the gain i dapat for this pain i hide n pretend not to let people tau.....like shitttt mannnn!!!!......insultation u know makcik from the one that i love all these while...huhh!!.....buang masa kan makcik...ekekekeke....takpe makcik, asal orang tersayang bahagia dengan apa dia buat n rasa to me dah cukup untuk saya bahagia dari dia sedih tahu saya sakit mcm ni makcikkk oiii....

hehehehe. kelakar makcik nihhh....how i wish to meet up again with her one day at the same place...really menghiburkan hati lara saya la makcik...thank u makcik for that day u made me smile n forgotten bout my pain a bit...

my eyes miss you...

my feelings love you...

my hand needs you...

my mind calls you...

and my heart just for you....


forever.....

when you kiss my lips, you make me smile in my heart....
when you hold me in your arms, you make happiness walk in my soul...
when you hug me tight, you make me alive even more...
when you say i love you, you make me say "i'll live only for you"...

and dear, i love you so..

dear uu (nana)....

it has been 11 days new year have started...well life remains unchaged for me..my hope for this year to get well like before...i want to be me in healthy way...

ermmm nana...my cancer has spread to my left side internal..im in aware n alert condition to avoid spreading to my heart...im doing my best to avoid it with all i have now...it hurts me a lot...n its so painful..there's no perfect word to describe how's the pain looks like here...semoga Allah swt memberi kekuatan to me to keep moving...

sakit nana, kalau u dapat rasa what's the feeling being me now, i must sure u can understand kenapa i buang tebiat dengan u right?? well, we cant turn the time back now...its written...im tired sangat2 nana, pergi ulang-alik hospital, the therapy and kaunseling and the rehab lagi...well, life is hard for me for the past one year and 2months...n pejamcelik i made it jugak to 2011...

nana...

all your frens boleh kata to me anything as they like...but for real im suffering from all the nausea from them..they have not been in my shoes, they have not feel the pain of this cancer, they dont know what's the meaning being suffered from it..and all they know is, they always think that they are so angel...my godness for heaven sake..please, belum kena kat batang idung sendiri or to the loved ones jangan buat andaian...its not good...God can see and hear nana...He has the Almighty Power that we dont have...who are we to judged others???Only HIM the Greatest yang boleh put that judgement to whoever he likes...we belongs to HIM...and my life dont belongs to them (the bunch of frens)..

this entire week was very exhausted like hell for me...i dont know why..maybe the cells too active making me so weak like nobody business nowdays...only today i have a bit of energy..and i must get something to type inside here for you nana...walaupun u tak tau or whatsoever...lantak lahh kann...my blog, my column, my words, my feelings and thoughts and my love..is all here...i dont care...at least im being so truth with myself here...and i dont want to let down anyone anymore for my illness...so this is the perfect place for me to jotdown everything...It pains me to be quiet when my heart wants to speak...mmmmm...

well nana...

its time for me to take off for a while...im in not good health now...je taime...

ku berjanji karna cinta.....